


Alone, at the Edge of a Universe

by GhostChoir



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Gen, I Made Myself Cry, I’m so sorry, M/M, Pre-Slash, forgive me Martin, the lonely is here and is coming for Martin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-17 08:02:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28845771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostChoir/pseuds/GhostChoir
Summary: Martin Blackwood had always been a lonely person. He doesn’t know why he’d expected that to change.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 4
Kudos: 19





	Alone, at the Edge of a Universe

**Author's Note:**

> Our poor boy Martin is just Lonely bait, huh? I wish I could just wrap him in blankets and give him a hug... instead I have done this.

Funny thing that- loneliness. Sometimes it sits inside of you, untethered and buzzing with every step you take. You can feel it rattling in your bones when you take a breath just a little too deep, when you let out a sigh just a little too long. Other times, it isn’t so much a sitting thing as it is a clawing one, talons digging into flesh, a longing- a burning desire built from bricks of solitude and endless nothingness- unable to be set free. Always there, always constant, waiting for that first moment when you slip, when your armor cracks just enough and the claws it's been sharpening can finally find purchase in something solid. 

That’s what it felt like to Martin, anyhow. What it had felt like, for as long as he could remember. It was quite sad, he thought, but he didn’t think he could remember a time when his world hadn’t been like this- when it hadn’t been a place shaped by loneliness and longing for things he was destined never to have. 

First, of course, there was his mum- though perhaps “mother” might be more accurate. A mum was someone who was supposed to love you, someone who was supposed to hold you close in her arms and help you fix the cracks in yourself when you felt like breaking. She was someone who took the time to give you a kiss on the forehead when she got home late at night, world weary and tired but still holding on just enough to show you she cared. Someone who wanted to see you thrive, see you flourish and blossom into a sunflower- always reaching out towards the light. 

He thinks his mother might have been like that, once upon a time. He hopes so, at least. Then maybe he would be able to hold onto the thought that at one point, even just for a minute, someone had cared about him. That someone had wanted him. 

But he has long since grown out of holding onto that hope for long. If even he didn’t want himself, how could someone forced to see him every day ever have desired him either? Seeing his face day after day, week after week, he supposes he would have gotten sick of himself too- he couldn’t blame her for doing the same.

Next came Jon, with his softly graying hair and oversized green cardigans and glasses that would sit slightly askew when he looked up at Martin after a long day of statements. Gods, Jon… Martin isn’t sure there was anyone whose love he had ever longed for more, someone whose love he was so certain he would never be able to have. He was beautiful, even with his tarnished bronze skin ashen with littered pockmarks, and his deep frown lines formed from years of living in constant paranoia and fear. How strong does someone have to be, Martin had often wondered, to go through what he had and still come out able to care so much? To still have the urge to protect so fiercely? However strong it was, Martin knows that it is a strength he didn’t- doesn’t- have. 

That’s okay, he supposes, he knows he has never been a strong person anyway, and experiencing what he had likely hasn’t changed that. He has been, and always will be, a coward. Peter had made that very clear whenever he tried to disobey- “Don’t you want to save the world Martin? Don’t you want to be something but a weak-willed coward for once in your life? Don’t you want Jon to lo-”

Silly thoughts to remember now. He wasn’t going to save the world, wasn’t going to save anyone or help even one person. His mother had been right, he is just a pathetic waste of space. Every time he tries to do better he can only make things worse.

Yes, perhaps it would be best if he just stops trying at all. No more hurting, no more pain, if he doesn’t care enough to feel it. That… that sounds nice- that sort of numbness. Certainly if he disappeared, no one would miss him- probably wouldn’t even notice he was gone. All that would change would be that Jon might go back to making his tea in the microwave, and there would be no one left to tend to his mother’s grave, but, well, that was fine. She would probably just tell him his attempts at upkeep were horrid- that even after she had died he was still a useless stain on her existence.

And Jon, well, Jon barely even knew Martin existed anymore. Whatever fragile bond they had formed all those months ago had snapped, crumbled away, leaving behind only an aching in his chest he was certain that the other man did not reciprocate. 

So yes, maybe it is best if he just vanishes. Maybe it is best if he lets the numbness take him over. No more aching, no more longing, no more trying to take hold of something so far out of his reach.   
  


No more fighting.

Martin is so very tired of fighting.

And so, he stops. 

He has always been better at giving in, anyway. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! As a gift, have this video of a seal to help yourself escape The Lonely. https://youtu.be/GJDNkVDGM_s
> 
> Also, huge shoutout to my beta reader, JessCrisis, who does amazing work which you should totally check out!


End file.
